The Work of Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work.

EQC Cheque

Great excitement at the bank today when lady deposited her EQC cheque.
Bank teller said "WOW" they really do exist!
There had been talk about these cheques existing for some time.
Sad but true.

On The Right Track?

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Will Rogers

Christchurch a city of..................

Council Strategy & Planning Groups, Project Managers, Project Leaders, Project Management Trainers, Consultants, more Consultants, EQC Inspectors, Insurance Assessors, Audit Teams, Chief Executives, Institute Presidents, General Managers and........ the people of Christchurch

Penguin

The penguin swam from Antarctica to New Zealand. Now they are considering releasing him to swim all the way back. How does he know his way back when he got lost in the first place?

"If everything seems under control you're not going fast enough."

Mario Andretti

Equality

Two commanders meet high above our planet

One commands the spaceship the other an outpost racing through space

A pair of individuals exceptional at their trade

The competition to make the journey was fierce beyond belief

Many a man had tried and failed and all he did was come to grief more times than you can imagine

Training took years and years more years

Determination and any amount of blood and sweat with tears made them forged steel

Hard arses no doubt they are and sweet on the other hand the commanders of the mission were the opposite of man.

STS-120