If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
EQC Cheque
Great excitement at the bank today when lady deposited her EQC cheque.
Bank teller said "WOW" they really do exist!
There had been talk about these cheques existing for some time.
Sad but true.
Bank teller said "WOW" they really do exist!
There had been talk about these cheques existing for some time.
Sad but true.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
On The Right Track?
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers
Will Rogers
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Christchurch a city of..................
Council Strategy & Planning Groups, Project Managers, Project Leaders, Project Management Trainers, Consultants, more Consultants, EQC Inspectors, Insurance Assessors, Audit Teams, Chief Executives, Institute Presidents, General Managers and........ the people of Christchurch
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Penguin
The penguin swam from Antarctica to New Zealand. Now they are considering releasing him to swim all the way back. How does he know his way back when he got lost in the first place?
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Equality
Two commanders meet high above our planet
One commands the spaceship the other an outpost racing through space
A pair of individuals exceptional at their trade
The competition to make the journey was fierce beyond belief
Many a man had tried and failed and all he did was come to grief more times than you can imagine
Training took years and years more years
Determination and any amount of blood and sweat with tears made them forged steel
Hard arses no doubt they are and sweet on the other hand the commanders of the mission were the opposite of man.
STS-120
One commands the spaceship the other an outpost racing through space
A pair of individuals exceptional at their trade
The competition to make the journey was fierce beyond belief
Many a man had tried and failed and all he did was come to grief more times than you can imagine
Training took years and years more years
Determination and any amount of blood and sweat with tears made them forged steel
Hard arses no doubt they are and sweet on the other hand the commanders of the mission were the opposite of man.
STS-120
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Earthquake Aftershock Foreshock or Event
I don't care what they call them earthquake aftershock foreshock or event
They destroy in a way you cannot believe nor conceive if you were not here at the time
Mind bending property wrecking destruction beyond belief
Adults and children cower in fear of their lives animals flee going nowhere
In an instant futures returned to the past
I don't care what they call them earthquake aftershock foreshock or event
What I do know is they scare the living daylights out of me
They destroy in a way you cannot believe nor conceive if you were not here at the time
Mind bending property wrecking destruction beyond belief
Adults and children cower in fear of their lives animals flee going nowhere
In an instant futures returned to the past
I don't care what they call them earthquake aftershock foreshock or event
What I do know is they scare the living daylights out of me
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Cup of Tea
Cup of tea Mr Key
Oh thank you so much
Australia's a lovely place
How are the people in Christchurch
Oh they are ok while I am away pass me a sandwich please
I hear their houses are full of mud and lots of crud
Oh they are ok while I am away thanks for the big gun salute
When you get home you will visit them
Oh they are ok I'm flying around in their big jet pretty impressive eh
I hear you put Gerry in charge
Yes he's a great man bigger than life I'm off to India next
Oh thank you so much
Australia's a lovely place
How are the people in Christchurch
Oh they are ok while I am away pass me a sandwich please
I hear their houses are full of mud and lots of crud
Oh they are ok while I am away thanks for the big gun salute
When you get home you will visit them
Oh they are ok I'm flying around in their big jet pretty impressive eh
I hear you put Gerry in charge
Yes he's a great man bigger than life I'm off to India next
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Reality
Let them gamble keep them poor
Fuel them with alcohol give them more
Groom them for banking when young
then mortgage their future, well done
Tell them what they want to hear and smile
They wont remember what you said in a while
Don't pay them too much just enough
When they ask for more tell them times are too tough
They will believe they have no choice
They are robots you see no mind no voice
Fuel them with alcohol give them more
Groom them for banking when young
then mortgage their future, well done
Tell them what they want to hear and smile
They wont remember what you said in a while
Don't pay them too much just enough
When they ask for more tell them times are too tough
They will believe they have no choice
They are robots you see no mind no voice
Monday, June 13, 2011
Listen up !!
To those who have no clue
Christchurch is not looking for your charity sympathy nor your money
We are rich in spirit something you don't understand and never will
We have the heart and strength of a lion
Don't underestimate our resolve
Christchurch is not looking for your charity sympathy nor your money
We are rich in spirit something you don't understand and never will
We have the heart and strength of a lion
Don't underestimate our resolve
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Little Feathered Friend
Dear little feathered friend you were a joy
Thanks so much for your company your gentle ways
A fond farewell on a rainy day
Empty cage fine feathers on the floor
You were here
Thanks so much for your company your gentle ways
A fond farewell on a rainy day
Empty cage fine feathers on the floor
You were here
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Christchurch a City of Grey 2011
Build in grey
Paint in grey
Pave in grey
Dress in grey
Many shades of grey
Have a grey day
Christchurch a City of colour 2021
Build it bright
Paint in colours
Pave it mosaic
Dress to impress
Colours of the rainbow
Have a happy day
Paint in grey
Pave in grey
Dress in grey
Many shades of grey
Have a grey day
Christchurch a City of colour 2021
Build it bright
Paint in colours
Pave it mosaic
Dress to impress
Colours of the rainbow
Have a happy day
Saturday, May 28, 2011
BLAH BLAH BLAH
I think its really strange our politicians sit on hands while our city slowly painfully decays, they seem to think that blah blah blah like magic will make it all ok.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Sting In The Tail
Yesterday I spoke to a young fellow on the phone I hadn't spoken to for a while, a business acquaintance who in the past had been confident and self assured with a "I am bullet proof attitude" since landing a plum job with a corporate. I was surprised when he told me he was speaking to me from Nelson where he now lived with his young family. He seemed rather subdued from the last time we spoke,unusual I thought. He now serviced his Christchurch clients from Nelson via video conferencing.His shift to Nelson was prompted by the February 22 earthquake where at the time he was living in a house on Hackthorne Road half way up the Cashmere Hills.When the quake struck he was at home with his family,their home flew apart and collapsed around them, fortunately and only through luck nobody was hurt. With continuing after shocks and in fear of their lives they departed Christchurch. He had lost like many the sting in his tail. All the very best young man I wish you well.
We Have the Edge
A City on edge, buildings on the edge of destruction, citizens on edge, nerves on edge, finances on the edge, weather on the edge of winter whether we like it or not.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The Reality Of Living In An Earthquake Zone
My first thought was two woman leaving a telephone box, but no it was a portaloo. A lot of people think Telecom is a toilet.
Distant rumble perhaps? alert, tense, anticipate, dont breathe,in an instant often without warning,violent shaking! out of control, ride it out, no choice. I am suspicious of a peaceful day.
Fast shower, better be quick,floor might fall away. Naked body falling sliced on the way. Dont like blood!
Keep it on the floor, cannot fall any further, including the birds in their cages,happily they survived their first tumble.
Went to get a plate to put my dinner on, I didnt have one. I had plenty yesterday.
Sat down to dinner, two mouthfulls then the room was spinning like a top, a nasty merry-go-round, I looked at the dog, I thought we were going to be thrown off the hill house and all. Fled to the flat land and that was only 5.3!
Wow, my house is on the floor, walked away.
Before going to bed, make sure the torch is where it should be.
Old televisions are heavy and dangerous,they are now smashed after falling and in the garage, never to return. Heard a story how a TV flew across the room now embeded in the wall! Now I have a small transistor radio.
No more pictures on the wall, they just smash and splinter making for a hazardous mess.
On return cabinet leaning on an angle from the wall, good thing we pushed the couch against it, stopped it crashing to the floor. We learn.
Nor west dust storm, liquefaction now a common word, fractured cratered road, my jouney home, closed road go the other way, no power no water, I am lucky.
Dazed hoards trudging home to what?
Crazy dairy cooler doors fly open and pelt me with their contents, get out of there quick before Im squashed. I am now a rally driver broken roads fallen power poles fleeing animals. People on the street, abandoned the shelter of their homes, prefering the open spaces, no roofs no walls no chimneys to fall.
While the world watched we saw little and now we see little.
What is precious at the end of the day? time for a rethink I think.
We hear them speak about the city ninety percent of the time almost as an afterthought the suburbs get a mention, nearly back to front I reckon.
Broken biscuits they were cheap, broken buildings just as cheap.
Cera how dear ya make me so small I thought I was bigger than life top job as a prize, With the stroke of a pen you chopped me down to size.
Distant rumble perhaps? alert, tense, anticipate, dont breathe,in an instant often without warning,violent shaking! out of control, ride it out, no choice. I am suspicious of a peaceful day.
Fast shower, better be quick,floor might fall away. Naked body falling sliced on the way. Dont like blood!
Keep it on the floor, cannot fall any further, including the birds in their cages,happily they survived their first tumble.
Went to get a plate to put my dinner on, I didnt have one. I had plenty yesterday.
Sat down to dinner, two mouthfulls then the room was spinning like a top, a nasty merry-go-round, I looked at the dog, I thought we were going to be thrown off the hill house and all. Fled to the flat land and that was only 5.3!
Wow, my house is on the floor, walked away.
Before going to bed, make sure the torch is where it should be.
Old televisions are heavy and dangerous,they are now smashed after falling and in the garage, never to return. Heard a story how a TV flew across the room now embeded in the wall! Now I have a small transistor radio.
No more pictures on the wall, they just smash and splinter making for a hazardous mess.
On return cabinet leaning on an angle from the wall, good thing we pushed the couch against it, stopped it crashing to the floor. We learn.
Nor west dust storm, liquefaction now a common word, fractured cratered road, my jouney home, closed road go the other way, no power no water, I am lucky.
Dazed hoards trudging home to what?
Crazy dairy cooler doors fly open and pelt me with their contents, get out of there quick before Im squashed. I am now a rally driver broken roads fallen power poles fleeing animals. People on the street, abandoned the shelter of their homes, prefering the open spaces, no roofs no walls no chimneys to fall.
While the world watched we saw little and now we see little.
What is precious at the end of the day? time for a rethink I think.
We hear them speak about the city ninety percent of the time almost as an afterthought the suburbs get a mention, nearly back to front I reckon.
Broken biscuits they were cheap, broken buildings just as cheap.
Cera how dear ya make me so small I thought I was bigger than life top job as a prize, With the stroke of a pen you chopped me down to size.
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